Head or Heart?
by KatieBear7
Summary: Set directly after The Golden Lily. What happens when Sydney is forced to confront her fears and feelings? When Sydney is thrown heartfirst from her beloved, comforting world of facts and figures into a strange, new, confusing one of feelings and emotions? When she if forced to choose: between her duty or her heart. For my beautiful friend Rei, who will always love Adrian as hers.
1. Chapter 1

I practically jumped into my car and sped off, thinking intently about what Adrian had said to me. "None of us are meant to be or do anything" "We decide what we're going to be" I couldn't help but consider whether there was an ounce of truth in his words. Then I immediately scolded myself, I was always going to be bound to the Alchemists, there was no question, the golden tattoo on my cheek bound me to them for life, or at least until I was killed. That was my life, planned before I was born, trying to escape from that would be like trying to escape from a prison, almost impossible.

I found it difficult to concentrate on the road on my way back, keeping repeating the events from tonight, how quickly things had changed, from looking at the paintings, to having my first 'real' kiss to running away. I then remembered about the bond between Jill and Adrian. He had most certainly been emotional then, there was no doubt she wouldn't have seen that. I sighed and blocked out my thoughts, focussing only on the car and the purr of its engine. I was determined to avoid seeing Jill for as long as possible.

Eventually I made my way to the school and darted to my campus, praying I wouldn't run into her. Luck however was not on my side as I ran into her in the corridor outside my dorm. I sighed again and tried to make my way up the stairs. It became pretty obvious that Jill wasn't going to let me go however as she blocked my pathway. I looked at her, silently begging her to let me go but she remained firm. A small part of me was proud at how far she had advanced in her short time here, she really had adapted from the small talkative yet timid girl to this independent, strong woman. However this wasn't a moment for her to prove her advancement.

"What the hells going on?" My eyebrows rose, I hadn't expected that, in truth though, I didn't know what I had expected.

I was aware there were people in the corridor and already many lingered around us in the hopes of listening in. Sighing yet again I turned and made my way into her room, she quickly followed and shut the door. I scanned around her room and saw that Angeline thankfully wasn't to be found.

As if she saw the question in my eyes she responded "She's out in the cafeteria"

I nodded briefly and considered what she wanted to know. Instead of speaking first I waited for her to say something.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What's going on with you and Adrian?"

"Nothing." My reply was brief but it was the truth, or at least I would pretend it was the truth. I needed to keep a clear head from now on, I had been too indulgent in myself, I needed to refocus and focus entirely on Jill and our cover, focus on only what my orders were. As I thought that Adrian's words came back to me once more "None of us are meant to be or do anything"

Jill however looked severely unimpressed with my answer. "Sydney I could see everything, you totally blew him off, he really likes you, I mean come on, he wouldn't ever be like that with anyone else and-" I held out my hand. I could sense she was starting to ramble slightly and I knew I would have to stop her.

"You don't understand. It would never work and I don't want it to, I don't want anything to happen at all. We are from completely different worlds, I live in the light, and you live in the dark." A small part of me was reminded of the vampire hunters, I ignored it and continued. "I stand by my beliefs and morals. It isn't right and it isn't natural. It can never happen"

"But you like him too! It's so obvious!"

I hesitated, unsure what to say. I preferred to live my life with facts and figures, things that were definite. Feelings and emotions however was something different. No matter how far I had advanced with my feelings towards Jill I most certainly was not ready to talk to her about this.

I realised my response was a key factor here. I could deny it and carry on my life. I could accept it and destroy all of my life.

Instead I chose another option.

I ignored the question and walked away; remembering the feel of Adrian's lips against mine.


	2. Chapter 2

**I am SO sorry this is late and not that good quality but I knew I needed to update tonight! Thank you so much to all of the people to take the time to review, I truly appreciated it let me know if you want anything included and I will try my best to do so, I have a rough idea of where I want this to go but I am open towards any suggestions sorry this is so short, I've been busy with exams and family stuff :/ so I'll try to update more often with more of it! **

My resolve to be strong however failed when I closed my door room. I closed my eyes and imagined what others would say, what would my mother say? What would my father say? What would the other Alchemists say? I knew the answers to all of these questions however. My mother would be overjoyed and push me towards my heart. My father would be entirely disapproving and send me straight to a Re-education Center. I would be laughed at by the other Alchemists and excluded for the rest of my life, but then again, why was that a bad thing?

The noise from the student body eventually drowned out my thoughts and I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror briefly before turning towards the shower and act as if I could scrub away today's events.

I woke up early the next morning and considered what I was to do. Today was a feeding day, meaning I had to take Jill to Clarence's house. I prayed that Adrian wouldn't be there but deep down, something told me he would be there. I noticed I spent longer than usual on my appearance this morning and ordered myself to focus only on Jill and my assignment. Still, my mind kept focussing on his eyes, the depth of which I was certain no other person could hold, no, I was positive.

I turned around from the mirror, frustrated at how the makeup seemed to do the exact opposite of what I wanted. I switched on the coffee maker and stood near my window. I knew that I could only delay for so long until I had to fetch Jill. Sighing I finished my coffee and walked out of my room towards my car where I was sure everybody would meet at.

Sure enough Eddie, Jill and Angeline where all stood round my car, the girls were having a seemingly rushed whispered conversation. I winced when I noticed Angeline was leaned against my precious Latte imagining the worst damage she could do. As soon as they noticed my approach however they quietened immediately.

I stood there unsure for a moment until I stiffened my body and turned towards the car, opening it and entering it swiftly. The others soon stumbled inside and soon we were travelling the familiar journey to Clarence's house. The sun was slowly setting, casting a faint orange haze everywhere. I tried to focus but my mind kept drifting, worrying if Adrian would be there.

Slowly I pulled up to the drive and got out of the car. I started glancing over my shoulder in case he snuck up on me. I realised how paranoid I looked as I caught Jill's eye and promptly looked down. My knees started feeling strange as I walked closer to the door. When I entered I ran into the kitchen and hid there. I listened closely and could hear the others in the lounge. I watched the copper pans above me move slightly and imagined the process through which they had been made.

A noise behind me caused me to jump and spin round. Adrian stood there at the doorway looking extremely handsome. He looked at me with saddened eyes but made no move to speak or approach me. I hesitated, unsure what to do. Adrian opened his mouth as if to talk to me but he was called from the lounge. He closed it and opened it once more before dashing out of the room. His green eyes had held such a sadness to them. I wanted to erase the sadness away from them but I knew that was impossible. I decided to walk outside around the house.

Walking in the warm desert air seemed to clear my head. I realised I had to get away from there for a short while. I needed to. I took a deep breath, if the Alchemists found out about this I would be in serious trouble. But then again, maybe they would understand my needs? I didn't know, but I knew I had to leave, regardless of the consequences.

I looked at the door and back to my Latte. I started walking towards my car but I stopped, hesitating I looked back at the doorway. I closed my eyes and listened to the gentle noise of the soft summer wind. I turned back and quickly made my way towards my car and soon I was speeding away, to the one place I knew I would be safe. I knew the others wouldn't miss my absence.

How very wrong I was.


	3. Chapter 3

**Just a quick note, to the person that said I write similar to Richelle Mead, thank you SO much! That is such a huge compliment to me and it means a lot! I am so proud to be compared to her. I want to develop my own style as well but for now I will do the best I can do with the talent I have. Thank you so much for all the reviews, they mean so much to me. **** Sorry I haven't updated sooner, but its been my prom and I've been on holiday and I got my results today AND I got accepted into college! :D **

The journey moved all too quickly and soon I was stood outside a place I knew I would feel comfortable. The building was larger than I had anticipated. The dim sunlight caused the shards of multicoloured glass to reflect in many directions. The garden surrounding it was a little perfect piece of Eden. It was beautiful. I was reminded of childhood memories when I used to run away when I felt overwhelmed from my fathers pressure to be perfect and excel in subjects.

I looked up at the old church in awe. It really looked like someone had ripped my old church out and put it here. I pushed at one of the large oak doors, hearing it creak slightly with age, and stepped inside. The church was empty as I expected it to be. It was breath taking. There was rows upon rows of pews yet it still managed to maintain a comforting, not overwhelming, feeling. I walked down the seemingly never-ending aisle and took in my surroundings. It was beautiful. No amount of times I repeated it, that would really portray the full beauty of the church. I stopped walking and sat down on a pew, closed my eyes and allowed myself, for the first time in months, to be well and truly relaxed and it simply be myself and the Lord.

Adrian POV

I sighed, frustrated I had dragged myself to Clarence's house. I walked round and round the house, not keeping still for a minute, partly due to nerves, partly due to the fact I was craving alcohol…. Or a slushie… I smiled at the thought of one then frowned, remembering the last time I had one I was with Sydney.

I heard a car pulling up into the driveway and I knew it was her. I stood by a window in the dining room and watched as they entered the house. I was scared she would come in here, I was excited she would come in here, I was nervous, I was an entire palette of emotions. I knew I had to see her eventually but it was too soon. I wasn't ready. I knew if I slipped up with my self control for a second I would do something I would regret. I closed my eyes and listened to them enter the house. I heard them walk into the lounge, a room I would then avoid.

I decided to go to the kitchen and get a drink, unfortunately, not alcohol.

I had wanted Sydney to accept me so badly, I needed her approval, her love. I wasn't the same man that had started on this journey. She had changed me. I understood what Rose meant now. Rose herself, although it still pained me, I was no longer losing sleep over her or her stupid cradle robber.

Rose was like a borrowed painting; beautiful, but not truly mine. Sydney was like the sun …. Sydney was different, unique. Beautiful with no effort. Compulsory for life, yet never quite within reach. Something you admired from afar. Somethi-

My train of thought was stopped abruptly when I walked inside the kitchen. Sydney was stood in the centre seemingly admiring the old, worn out pans.

As I watched her I felt my features frown. She froze and looked completely out of place. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but found no words to say. I tried once more but I knew it would be impossible. Sydney still looked upset, she didn't deserve that. I hurried out of the room and continued walking, no particular destination in mind.

I stopped walking in a hallway and stood with my back against the wall, slowly sliding down it. Outside I heard a car start up. I frowned, who was that?

I looked outside to see nothing however so I sat back down. It was probably my imagination.

Screw it, I thought.

I stood up and walked briskly back towards the kitchen. I needed to speak to Sydney once more, and a beer wouldn't kill either, but I knew I wouldn't allow myself to have one. I needed to have Sydney in my life, even if it was just as friends.

I stood in the doorway but couldn't see her, I poked my head around the lounge door but she wasn't present in there either. I frowned and looked around the house. I was starting to panic when I was searching through the gardens. I walked up the pathway and realised that her car was missing, she had left.

I swore under my breath and ran back towards the others, explaining what that she was missing. We decided to give her an hour before searching for her.

An hour soon passed and soon me and Angeline were racing through the streets in my car looking for her. She was no where to be found. I insisted on her ringing the school to check whether she had been seen there, but she hadn't.

We returned quickly back to the house, worried now. Jill hadn't stopped ringing her cell to since we had left, her eyes held such concern for her.

If she didn't return soon we would have to ring the Alchemists, which could potentially get her in trouble.

Where on earth was she? And most importantly, was she safe?

**I should be able to start more frequent updates now *hides from the amount of objects being thrown at me***


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